Thankful for the scars – my deliverance through Lupus

I’m really glad to be part of this gospel album and especially happy to be singing ‘Scars’, because this song is everything I’ve wanted to say about my life for the past two years.

When I was 22, I was diagnosed with Lupus, after a year of being constantly sick and running from one hospital to another. My own immune system (which is supposed to protect me from infections) was destroying different parts of my body – my skin, blood, hair, eyes, nerves, digestive systems, and finally my vital organs. For months, I was treated with chemotherapy, steroids and lots of medication for secondary conditions caused by my Lupus.

I was in constant pain for a long time. During my chemo, I had an episode where my pain exploded and I was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, screaming. I thought I would die that day. My knees had gone limp and my chest would flop about involuntarily when the pain came. For three days, they pumped pain meds into my system, and then I was out of danger.  

These three days have stayed with me ever since. Because it was the first time I experienced God’s presence with me, not through other people’s words but felt with my own senses.

It was the most explosive, yet peaceful, and also fearful time because of how overwhelming it was to know God is real. My religion turned into faith. And little did I know how mysteriously wonderful it was going to get from there. And how grounded it was going to make me.

I wrote poetry because He was incomprehensible otherwise, and prose because I was given so much clarity about everything. Such words were put into me, I cannot believe. I was whole and new in all my brokenness. The weaker my body felt, the bigger my spirit grew. The real battle was in my mind, and that was the hardest for me.

But what Amazing Grace! In six months, I achieved “remission” which meant my Lupus wasn’t actively destroying me anymore.

My doctor simply exclaimed (as he still does even today), “You are healing by God’s Grace.”

And my strength came back to me. Each time my health dipped, it came back better. And I don’t fear to say this because I know it’s not my doing, but the God who promised me things during the most agonizing days and sleepless nights. Really, if God be for us, who can be against us? Not even the soldiers within our own bodies.  

He has kept his promises and brought glory to many causes that I have worked for (without thinking of my own self for the first time), including Lupus awareness. Despite my greed and ambitions, my rewards have come in the form of selfless acts. I have stopped questioning my path, because never have I felt so guided from one moment to another. Yes, I still have trouble deciding what to eat on most days, but the big decisions no longer torment me so much as they used to before.

I know that I am honest now, and what I think is what I feel. And what I speak is what I think. Because without knowing Jesus, there is no knowing anything for me. There is no knowing myself, or anybody else.

And there is no love without loving Him. What amazing Love!

I have never loved people like I do now. I have never been so devoted, so light and so interested as I am now. I think that is the greatest gift I have received. And I try hard to love better everyday.

My Lupus is incurable but my life has been saved – in every way possible. What I carry now is both a pillow and a shrapnel: to rest myself and also let others find solace with me; and then to cut through oppression that would prevent anyone from having life in abundance.

My prayers are with you. I hope that each time you listen to this song, you’re reminded of such healing that is so strange it doesn’t leave a single scar unmended.

– Suzanne Sangi

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Here’s a cover of SCARS by I AM THEY, sung by Suzanne. Also, a shoutout to Royston Pais of Royz Studios for his contribution in playing the keys and in producing the video